Toxic Friendships (and what to do)

Ever noticed how guy friendships seem to last forever? Every boy that I meet still seems to be BFFs with the same core group of friends that he met in middle school. As a girl, this baffles me. Looking back, I seem to have had a different circle of friends for every stage of my life: middle school, high school, college, and post-college. Each stage was a process for learning, growth, and, eventually, bringing one or two of those friends with me into the next stage of life, while the rest drifted apart.

According to Psychology Today, “the ability to establish and maintain strong friendships, while artfully navigating toxic individuals, who may at first be especially eager to form a relationship,” is a critical life skill. Therefore, it’s important to learn how to recognize—and respond to—toxic friendships, so that they do not weigh heavy on your mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Situational Friends ≠ Forever BFFs

Situational friends are those friendships you create solely because you share the same environment: i.e. school settings, camps, work places, etc.

Every time I changed schools, I gained new ‘situational friends.’ These were the people I shared classes, projects, and after-school activities with. We bonded over things relating to school, including teachers and daily drama. We saw each other every day. It was our common ground of relatability. And, of course, a handful of these individuals eventually became my good friends. But how does one manage to sort out a good friend from a situational one?

Healthy relationships are the ones you form when you find a deeper connection with someone outside of your daily circumstances. These are the people who genuinely care about your mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing; they are the people you can lean on in times of uncertainty. They reach out to you outside of school settings and during tough times—because situations change, and so will each of you. What matters here is that you both care about each other despite these changes and distances, and that you remain a reliable and motivational support system to each other as you each grow, evolve, and explore.

But we’re not here to dive into the healthy relationships. We’re here to talk about how to make toxic friendships a thing of the past.

Recognizing Toxicity

It would be so simple if toxic people came with the same warning signs as say, dangerous fungi: bright red, proudly touting their poisonous natures. To be fair, some people do display their vices openly, and are therefore easy to avoid. Most, however, slowly let it seep over time.

Here are some red flags to help you evaluate whether a friend could be considered toxic to your overall wellbeing:

• They lack initiative. Toxic people tend to be self-centered, only reaching out or showing up when it’s convenient for them. This can lead you to feel used and neglected in the relationship.
  • Do they expect you to invite them to parties and events, but rarely reciprocate the offer?
  • Do they frequently bail on you, despite already having promised to show up?
  • Do they take the time to reach out to you and check in, just because?
    (Also ask yourself, do you ever do this for them?)
    

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  They make you feel unwarranted guilt. I once had a friend who had social anxiety. Despite my efforts to make this person feel included in group settings, I was somehow never doing enough. My endeavors to accommodate them more in social settings (i.e. less crowded environments, mutual acquaintances) were never recognized, but met with criticism. Instead of this being her issue to work on, it suddenly became my burden to fix. This left me feeling down and unappreciated as a friend, let alone feeling guilty over something I had little-to-no control over.
  • Do they reallocate blame to you over personal issues, making you feel guilty for things out of your control?
  • Do they expect you to put their needs before your own 24/7?
    

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  They dump their problems on you and run. Mutual vent sessions are a key part to healthy friendships. You’re both going to have problems and challenges that come your way: Life isn’t easy! However, if your friend constantly vents to you about their issues or seeks your advice but doesn’t have the courtesy to listen to you in return (or belittles your problems), then it’s time to put your foot down.
  • As an empath, I have a natural tendency to listen and help others with their problems; however, if I’m not careful, this quality can be abused by others and lead to depression. It’s very important to your mental health to evaluate whether you are being listened to by your friends. You have a voice; you matter; and you deserve to be heard. If you aren’t, then it’s time for a change.
    

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  They gossip excessively. If your friend constantly talks negatively about other people in your friend group, there is a good chance that they’re doing the same to you too. Excessive gossip is a technique some people use to gain social control and should be seen as a red flag in any situation.
  

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  They don’t show up for you. This is really where the pillars of friendship test their strength. Friends who consistently show up for you strengthen your relationship through loyalty, trust, and reliance. In contrast, those who constantly bail, make excuses, or leave you on read weaken those pillars to the point of collapsing. Not showing up or blatantly choosing other plans over yours shows that you can’t rely on them. And how can you cherish a person who doesn’t even value your time with them?

How to Manage Toxic Friendships

Managing toxic friendships is a multi-step process. I encourage you to start at the first step and work your way down the list; this way, you can make an effort to mediate or fix the problem(s) before turning to more drastic resolutions, such as cutting them off completely.

1. Open up to others in your social circle about your feelings. Seeking out other people’s perspectives—especially those who know the both of you—regarding the situation might shed some light (or even solutions) on what to do next. If anything, these individuals might confirm your feelings that something simply isn’t right.
   
2. Have a private, constructive conversation. Once you confirm that a friend is having a negative effect on your wellbeing, then it’s time to sit down and communicate with them. Go into this conversation knowing what you want from your friendship. If needed, establish some boundaries between the two of you (i.e. “I get really uncomfortable when you gossip to me about other people. I would really prefer if we could talk about others things instead.”). It’s important to be honest and respectful, yet firm in your communication.
   • I highly recommend doing this in person, as doing so over the phone or text can lead to things being misinterpreted or misunderstood.
   • Tip: Focus on how their actions are affecting you, rather than what they’re “doing wrong.” This will help the conversation be more constructive as opposed to argumentative.
     
3. If a one-on-one convo doesn’t mend your relationship, then it might be time to distance yourself from the friendship. Give yourself time to detox from their negativity and see how you fare without their presence in your life.
   • If you’re on social media, go ahead and mute their stories and posts. This way, you might still be “following” each other, but you no longer maintain direct contact with their everyday life.
   • Become less available to them through text and messaging. If you want, you can go as far and say that you’re taking a break from your phone for awhile (which might prove to be a beneficial detox in itself).
     
4. Sometimes, it’s simply time to thank a past friendship for whatever it taught you, let it go, and move on. One option here is to continue fading the person out until the friendship dissolves naturally. If that isn’t a possibility, then you need to let them know directly that you are taking a step back from the friendship. Communicate how their actions have affected you, and that you no longer feel the friendship is mutually beneficial. Be clear whether you want to move on, remain distant acquaintances, or simply need time to figure things out.
   • Be prepared for any type of reaction from your friend at this level, especially if they tend to be reactive, dramatic, or manipulative. If necessary, you can go one step further and block their number and social media accounts to avoid confrontation; however, I only recommend this in extreme cases.

Value Yourself

A healthy social circle can have a direct, positive impact on your life, so it’s important to honor your mental, emotional, and physical health by eliminating those people who plant and nurture negativity. It can be a hard and sometimes tough realization that someone’s friendship has become toxic, but you owe it to your future self to surround yourself with positive influences.

Xoxo, Your S.O.S.